Really Bad Animal Crossing Oneshots
by Hapgonli
Summary: I’m pretty bored, I like Animal Crossing and I decided to write a series of offensive and maybe humorous oneshots because why not. Mature rating isn’t there for show.
1. Anatomy

The door to town hall burst open, and rushing in came a small, blue bunny, sweating profusely and horribly out of breath.

"M-mister Mayor!" He gasped out loud, calling attention to both the Mayor and their secretary.

"Do you need something, Hopkins?" The Mayor called back from their desk, getting up to see what the commotion was.

Hopkins approached him hurriedly, his face pale as if he were ready to vomit. "Do you remember.. last week? When you taught some of us about that game from your hometown?" He asked.

"Yeah, football." The mayor recalled with a small smile growing on their lips. "Why do you ask?"

"Well..." Hopkins looked down at his feet, trying to figure out how to put his jumbled thoughts to words. "Some of us were playing today, and the new neighbor, Julian, asked if he could join in."

"Go on."

"Well, Julian tried to tackle Goldie and..." He gulped audibly, his words refusing to describe the following scene. "His... horn..." The blue bunny was doing everything in his power not to puke all over the floor, but the Mayor now seemed to have a complete understanding of the situation.

"Oh my god...!" They gasped out loud, taking off in full sprint towards the door while calling their secretary to follow in suit.

They didn't have to travel very far, as there was a large crowd gathered around the town square. The Mayor and Isabelle pushed through the crowd to see the commotion and, sure enough, there stood Julian, sobbing uncontrollably as blood poured down his head and soaked through his fur. On the top of his head, where his horn once stood proudly, lay a limp, bloodied puppy.

Mass hysteria spread throughout the crowd as they witnessed the sight, but the Mayor and secretary stood frozen in their spots. After a long silence, the Mayor finally spoke.

"Isabelle."

"Yes, Mayor?"

"You know the protocol for this, right?"

"Of course, Mayor." Without further hesitation, Isabelle whipped out her smartphone, scrolling all the way to the last page where she clicked on a solitary app labeled, "Animal Crossing: Pocket Camp."

The duo popped out of this plane of existence, as if they were never there, and soon reawakened next an RV parked by a lush campsite. The Mayor tapped around on their phone, and Cyrus soon appeared with alcoholic drinks and comfortable seats for the two of them.

"Mayor, I think eventually we're going to have to answer fo-"

"Shhh shh shhhhh," the Mayor interrupted, taking a long sip from his alcoholic drink before adding, "It'll all blow over eventually. I don't get paid to deal with that shit."


	2. Dependence

Isabelle was stunned, to say the least, when she heard the familiar bell ringing at the Town Hall's entrance. She watched as the town's Mayor stepped in slowly, his hair completely disheveled and a lazy lag in his step.

The secretary sighed quietly as the Mayor approached her desk, his usual smile plastered on his face in contrast to her blank, unfocused gaze.

"You've been gone for over three months, Mayor." She told him, a sympathetic tone in her voice. "The villagers have been asking for you. Where have you been?"

"I'm sorry about that," the Mayor replied sheepishly, scratching the back of his head. "I was originally only going to be gone for a few days, but things seemed to keep catching up with me. I didn't mean to be gone for so long."

"Well, I'm just glad you're back," Isabelle said tiredly, forcing herself to smile for the Mayor's sake. "I could sure use some help with all the paperwork."

"No problem," He nodded enthusiastically. "Let me just go get a haircut and get caught up with the villagers and I'll get right back to work."

The small bell rang out loudly, and Isabelle was once again left to herself.

She supposed she couldn't blame the Mayor entirely. He was only sixteen; much too young to be running a whole town on his own in her opinion. As a result, she took it upon herself to take responsibility for the loads of paperwork that the jobs of both a Mayor and secretary demanded, sacrificing her sleep and holidays just to keep the town running functionally.

Over time, it had begun to grow clear to the villagers that Isabelle was depressed; and increasingly so. Despite her efforts to maintain her cheerful and upbeat demeanor in public or during special events, people noted her lack of energy, the bags under her eyes, the way she dragged her feet, her now loose-fitting clothes. It was hard not to pity the poor pup, barley twenty four and hardly allowed any free time to herself anymore.

Some even began to spite the town's Mayor, either by refusing to greet him or snubbing him whenever he walked by. Others decided that he was simply ignorant to the situation and left it at that. After all, there was no way he could intentionally act so cruel towards his loyal secretary.

About two weeks into the Mayor's absence, somebody, Isabelle couldn't even remember who, made their way into Town Hall offering something that could help. Something that would give her a boost of energy and make the gloominess go away for a while. Isabelle was understandably skeptical at first, as she was well aware of the consequences of abusing such a substance. But after some insistence from the villager, she allowed them to inject her.

Euphoria.

A sensation she had never known in all her years working for the government. The once sleepy shih tzu became alert of everything going on around her, unable to sit still as she felt she could take on the world.

The day she first took crystal meth was an extremely productive day, as she had been able to finish a big chunk of her paperwork and even go home early. Since then, she had taken the habit of injecting herself whenever she felt over encumbered with paperwork, in hopes of being able to fly through the day and take the evenings off.

People noticed the sudden change in her demeanor as time wore on. She became more energetic, often unable to keep still in one spot. She was more chatty and now seemed to have a surplus of topics to discuss, though said topics ranged from simple pleasantries to corruption and politics, and occasionally even her own plans for a village manifesto. Some days she would pull three all-nighters working nonstop at the Town Hall, which would soon be followed by a crash, in which nobody would see her for the next few days.

A small habit quickly grew into a dependence for the drug, as Isabelle soon found herself unable to function without it. She started taking larger doses in hopes of making the euphoria last longer. She believed that this drug was the only thing that helped her get through the day, through all the meaningless paperwork for a dysfunctional government system in an imaginary community filled with anthropomorphic animals in which a lazy, irresponsible 16 year-old human was elected to run as Mayor.

A small part of her even began to hold resentment towards the Mayor, even though she was aware he hadn't originally intended to run for the position at this point. But she couldn't stand the lack of pride or responsibility he took for his job, much less the consequences she herself had to pay for his carefree attitude.

Her mood had shifted dramatically this morning when he returned, from a somewhat cheerful albeit tired persona to a suddenly irritable and grumpy one. She tried to maintain her composure throughout their short conversation, but the minute he left she found herself scrambling through her desk until stumbling upon her stash of syringes, already prepared for whenever she felt in need of their relief.

She rolled up her sleeve and, taking a deep breath, injected her arm with the fluid. She felt it's effects immediately, her pupils dilating and a new surge of energy coursing through her body.

It was time to get busy.

[ _Some Time Later_ ]

Feeling fairly refreshed, the Mayor made his way back to Town Hall, two coffees in hand for himself and his secretary to help them get pumped up for the long day ahead of them. He pushed open the door to let himself in, entirely unprepared for what lay in store inside.

Both cups crashed into the floor, their contents spilling everywhere as the young Mayor's mouth was left agape, his scrambled thoughts trying to make sense of the scene before him.

The once well composed and respected secretary was jumping from desk to desk, kicking paperwork and other objects off the tables erratically while chanting a mantra to herself over and over.

"Fuck work, fuck work, fuck work, fuck work..."

Despite having the help of several villagers, nobody could get her to settle down until she slipped off a chair and knocked herself out. She was promptly fired the next morning.


	3. Confrontation

**Mayor, bursting through the door** : WE NEED TO REPORT SOMEONE, STAT.

 **Isabelle, already panicking** : What's going on? Are they vandalizing public property?

 **Mayor** : Worse!

 **Isabelle** : Harassing other villagers???

 **Mayor** : Something so unfathomably terrible!!!

 **Isabelle** : You don't mean... * _GASP_ * public displays of affection?!?!??

 **Mayor** : ISABELLE. * _grabs her by the scruff and pulls her close_ *

 **Mayor** : Their clothes are so. Fucking. Tacky.

 **Isabelle, grabbing her Fashion Police cap and star-shaped sunglasses** : I'm on it.

 _[Three Minutes Later]_

 _Sirens are blaring in the distance and a single house is entirely surrounded by a myriad of police cars. Fashion Policemen are standing by with their slingshots ready to fire, and Isabelle stands outside with a megaphone in her hands._

 **Isabelle, through the megaphone** : Come out peacefully and place all your clothing on the ground in front of you. We're only going to tell you once.

 **Ed** : YOU'LL NEVER GET MY CLOTHES ALIVE YOU WANKERS.

 _In one sudden movement, Ed grabs an assault rifle and begins firing wildly at the Fashion Police. One bullet manages to hit an officer in the chest, and the rest seem to lose composure from there. It is war._

 _Isabelle rushes to the injured officer, who flips his hair one last time before fading away forever. An anguished Isabelle cries out into the night sky as war wages around her._

 **(This is why Isabelle doesn't like confrontation)**

 ** _AN: I thought this chapter would be more fun in this format, I hope the change isn't too weird :P_**


End file.
